Sex.co.nz

We’ve all heard stories of wives walking in on their husband wanking in front of the computer.  Most women scream, yell, cry, and – if their husband’s lucky – pretend it never happened.

But some women drag their husbands to marriage counselors, and it’s there that things get interesting.

There are two schools of thought on porn use within a marriage.  The first paints a picture of porn as a safe fantasy, a way for a man to satisfy the desire for sexual variety without having an affair.  Porn, says this school, is no more than solo sex, and wives should be more open-minded.

Many couples are surprised to find that being married doesn’t decrease their desire to masturbate.  In fact, according to Sex in America: A Definite Survey, people masturbate more when they’re married than when they were teenagers.  The obvious reason is that the more sex you get, the more you want.

But another school of thought says that porn use hides a darker secret.  Men often turn to porn when their sex drive is out of balance with their spouse’s, or when they have fantasies that they know their partner won’t fulfill.  The problem is not porn being used as a sexual outlet: it’s the lack of communication.

When spouses try to hide porn from their partners, it becomes a dirty secret that weighs on the fabric of the marriage.  As Deborah Mecklinger, a Toronto marriage counselor, explains:

“It's not about the porn; it’s about the fact that it was kept secret.”

Addiction is a different beast altogether.  When a person is only able to orgasm through porn use and experiences difficulties having intimate, loving sex with their partner, then porn has become a problem.

So is porn use within a marriage unacceptable?  It's really up to the couple.  If communication is open and healthy and sexual needs have been discussed, then porn use should pose no problem.  But if porn has become a secret, an addiction, or a way to avoid facing sexual incompatibility, then the couple may want to seek advice or counseling.