Sex.co.nz

We suppose it’s normal to be a little curious about our partner’s previous partners, not only out of pure curiosity but hey, there are health implications and the inevitable comparisons. But why is the count such a stumbling block or even deal breaker for so many men?

According to the experts at the Kinsey Institute, the average number of lifetime sexual partners for men aged 30 to 44 is around seven, while for women in that same age group, it’s four, lower than you thought?

Here’s where we tell you something you will already know, but it doesn’t hurt to reiterate, the old double standard is alive and well in the 21^st century, thank you very much.

A man who has more sexual partners than his mates is a legend and called a man-whore, in the nicest possible way. However, a woman who confesses to having had more sexual partners than her peers has probably been ‘slut-shamed' at some point. See, alive and well.

Even today many men are raised to see it as a conquest, a competition and for some scoring a woman who has had many sexual partners carries fewer points that scoring one who hasn’t, one who is ‘hard to get.’ So we get to the comparison and here is the real stumbling block.

The more sexually experienced the woman the more fragile the mans ego becomes, after all it’s easy to win a contest if you only have one or two opponents but when the number starts to creep up, in creep the insecurities. This is the real reason so many men get filled with self-righteous indignation and so many women just plain lie about sex and 'the number.'

There are too many stories of women who have told their boyfriends the real number only to have him turn into a nagging, psychoanalytical twerp who puts everything down to father issues – granted there are a lot of women with fathers who were functionally and or physically absent and there can be real issues – if he happens to think that the ‘number’ is too high.

Does he have a right to know if the relationship is getting serious? It sounds reasonable when you say it first – ‘I have a right to know” but if you say it a few more times it begins to sound a little ridiculous. Learning about the person, whether she has been in love, how the experiences in previous relationships have contributed to the person she is today and how they have impacted on her view of men. Much, much more important.

Get over the counting ‘cause we can’t change the past, enjoy the present and if it’s right…it’s reasonable to expect to be the last but don’t ask the last of how many. If you find out you’re number two then the nagging doubts start for a whole different reason…what if she wants to experiment more? What if , what if, what if…